The One For Him
by IwantEliGold
Summary: Eli breaks up with Clare, telling her she's not the one for him. But what if Eli never meant it? What if he was just scared? In the mean time Clare is breaking on the inside. Can Eli put her back together? PLEASE REVIEW! Thank you.
1. Chapter 1

Clare's POV

I stood by my locker, all emotion and any trace of happiness once present on my face had slowly drained. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I don't want to go out with you any more Clare, we're just not working out, your not the one for me." How could Eli say this to me? After three months of being together. Why didn't he know sooner that I wasn't the one for him? It may have saved me a little less pain, and saved him from wasting his time on me for as long as he did. I didn't know what to say, I had to get out of there. "Oh, um I'm really sorry for wasting your time." I said slowly and cautiously trying not to break down in front of him. There was no sarcasm intended. I was truly sorry that I had made him waist his time on me, when he could have used that time to find the girl that he really loved, or so he put it "the one for him." I should have known it was too good to be true. Why would any guy like Eli ever go for a girl like me? Compared to him I'm nothing. I should have let him go a long time ago instead of being so selfish. Now look what happened, I'm in more pain than I should be in, and Eli wasted three months of his life on something completely useless. I walked away from him heading in the opposite direction of my morning class.

I hid in the girls washroom for my first three periods of the day, sitting in a dark stall with my head over a toilet and tears pouring down my face. I felt like I was going to be sick. How could I have ever been so stupid? I guess I wasn't so much mad at Eli, than I was at myself. I should have known nothing good could have come out of me being so hopelessly in love. I should have seen the signs. Some sort of sign that Eli wasn't into it, or that he was becoming distant. I guess I sort of saw that last one. How he began to pull further and further away. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I was too lost in love. It was clouding my brain and wasn't allowing me to think straight.

I slowly pulled myself off of the cold tiled floor and made my way over to the mirror. The girl looking back at me had puffy, bloodshot eyes. There was no smile present on this girls face. Just a mere frown, and her shirt was saturated with tear stains. She wasn't the same girl that I used to know. The one who would never cry over a boy, or react the way she just had when they broke up. No, the girl that I used to know would pull herself together and not let it bother her. She would get back on her feet and try again. Just like she had done with KC.


	2. Chapter 2

**HEY GUYS! First of all I want to say THANK YOU! For all of the alerts and reviews. Please keep on reviewing! I really appreciate it! That way I know you like the story and I should keep writing it. Anyway, I know the chapters are short and they probably will all be pretty short. I start college again in a few days, this is my first year so I might be pretty busy. The chapters will probably be mostly in Clare's POV, but if I do happen to have a little snippet of Eli's it will be extremely short. THANK YOU AGAIN! AND PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING!**

Clare's POV

I had to pull myself together long enough to go to English. If I didn't show, Eli would definitely know that I was upset about the break up. But I won't let him see how weak I am. I refuse to show him that he caused me pain.

When I walked in the class room, I walked straight past Adam and Eli to my seat. I didn't so much as glance at either of them. I sat down and heard someone whisper my name. I looked to the left of me and saw that it was Adam. "Hey Clare, you okay? You look a little sick." "Yeah I'm fine." I said to him as I tried to muster up the strength to give him a half way believable smile. Truth is, I _was_ sick. It made me sick to my stomach to even think about what had happened only a few hours ago. I still didn't understand. Why would Eli string me along for so long, just to tell me I wasn't what he wanted?

I managed to sit through the rest of class without crying or looking at Eli. When the bell rang I slowly made my way to my locker. I grabbed a book to read since it was our lunch hour and there was no way I was going to sit at my usual table with Eli and Adam. As I made my way to the cafeteria I noticed they were already there. I tried to walk by unnoticed but unfortunately that was happening. Adam had grabbed my arm. "Aren't you going to sit with us Clare?" He asked me curiously. "No thanks, not today Adam." I said to him slowly pulling my arm out of his grasp and walking away. I decided to sit by myself at an empty table in the middle of the cafeteria. Mainly because this was the only empty table. If I had a choice I would have chosen to sit in a secluded corner. Oh, well. This will have to do. At least I'm away from _him_. I didn't feel like eating. If I did I would be sick for sure. So I pulled out my book and began to read, trying not to pay attention to Adam and Eli staring at me from across the crowded room.


	3. Chapter 3

**THANK YOU AGAIN EVERYBODY! AND PLEASE KEEP ON REVIEWING! IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED! THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN READING MY STORY! Here you go, a new chapter in Eli's POV. It's pretty short like I said it would be, but here it is none the less. ENJOY!**

**Eli's POV**

"What did you do to her?" Adam asked me scrutinizing my face. Well more like snarled an accusation than an actual question. "Whoa, what makes you think _I_ did something to her?" I asked leaning back in my chair. "Well first of all, you have guilt written all over your face. Second of all, she _always _sits with us, and last but not least, she talks to you about everything so if she's not talking to you now, more than likely whatever her problem is has to deal with you." "How do you know that she isn't sick of sitting with two guys everyday at lunch and just wanted some time for herself to read her book?" I asked him, trying to avoid the truth. "Seriously Eli, look at her, she's a mess. There are tears pouring down her face." I looked over at Clare seeing if what he said was true. Indeed it was. She was crying and it was all my fault. "It's probably just the book she's reading." I told him, starting to feel a little uneasy. "For crying out loud Eli! She's reading _Twilight, _the first book in the series. I've read the books and I happen to know that the real crying doesn't start until _New Moon _when Edward leaves Bella! Everyone knows that!" I looked at him shocked. "You read the _Twilight_ series?" I asked him hiding a smile. "That's not the point! What did you do to her Eli? and tell me the truth this time." Well I guess it was going to come out sooner or later. "Ugh, fine. I broke up with her this morning." Adam's mouthed dropped open and his jaw just about hit the table. "What? You can't be serious Eli! W-why would you even do that? I thought you loved her. Oh my gosh. Poor Clare, I can't even imagine how she is feeling right now. She was madly in love with you Eli and you just broke her heart. Ripped it out of her chest, threw it to the ground and stomped on it until it stopped beating!" I had to stop him, he wasn't making me feel any better at all. I already felt bad knowing that she was crying because of me. "Alright Adam, enough! Your not making me feel any better." "You? Your worried about _your_ feelings? What about Clare, Eli? Think about what she must be feeling right now. What did you even say to her anyway?" Ugh oh, I'm in trouble now. "Well?" He asked me getting impatient. "Um, I kind of told her that I didn't want to go out with her any more and she wasn't the one for me." "Oh my God, Eli. I can't even believe you right now." He said disgustedly, and with that he walked away, leaving me to wallow in my self pity.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey! Here is a little bit longer chapter. I know that this story is relatively sad, but I assure you that in later chapters Clare will cheer up, and we will find out why Eli is being such a jerk. I appreciate all who have reviewed, but I would also appreciate more. This way I know people are reading the story and that they like it. Or you could give me suggestions on what you think should happen, or what you would like to see in the story. Anyway, I would like to make a deal with you lovely readers. For each chapter that I post, if I get at least five reviews, that is when I will start updating the newest chapters. For the first person who reviews for each chapter, I will give a shout out to, and I will personally read and review one of your stories. THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE! I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO READ AND ENJOY!**

Clare's POV

I some how managed to make it through the rest of the school day without crying. Your probably wondering how I did this, right? Well, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it was the fact that I was still in shock, or maybe it was Adam's soothing words when he came and found me after lunch, after Eli had told him what happened. I guess it helped that he didn't side with Eli. That he seemed genuinely sorry for my heart break. Even though Adam is Eli's best friend he still can't believe what he did, or better yet how he handled the situation. I mean, telling someone that they're not the one for you? Who does that? Why couldn't he have just said he didn't think we were working out and end it at that? But no, he had to chose the more painful path. The one that cut deep into your heart and soul and would take a life time to repair. Even then, I'm sure the wound wouldn't be fully healed. After you had someone you truly loved shatter your heart, possibly beyond repair, there is always still a chance that the wound will be cut back open, and as long as I had to see Eli, that wound would never start to heal.

As the last bell rang, I slowly made my way to my locker. Eyes on my shuffling feet as I walked across the tiled hallway floor. I always did this at the end of the day. Usually I was blushing because I knew Eli would sometimes be waiting for me at my locker. But today was different. Today there was no need for that blush. I wasn't looking for Eli, or listening for him to say "Whats up, Blue Eyes?" as I approached him, and I was definitely not waiting for him to show up out of no where and wrap his arms around my waist. Nope, that was all over now. My happiness with Eli was gone, and apparently it wasn't mutual happiness like I had thought. He had clearly shown that this morning.

I gathered my things and walked down the front steps of the school, making my way across the crowded parking lot, towards my not so humble abode. You see, my parents have been fighting a lot lately. It's like they don't even notice I'm around anymore. The only ones who ever really did, were Eli and my tan and white Pomeranian puppy, Sammy. Eli had gotten him for me when my birthday rolled around three weeks after we started dating. He knew I loved animals and that I was lonely around the house when he couldn't be with me. He knew what my parents were going through and that they barely noticed my existence anymore. So in order to cheer me up and keep my company, Eli gave me Sammy.

I loved him for that. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just love Eli for the things that he gave me. I loved him because of the kind of person he was. Caring, passionate, loving. He's not like any guy I have ever known. Eli is much different. He doesn't care what people think about him, he isn't judgmental, or self absorbed. Although he was often sarcastic, that was just Eli being Eli, and I admired him for that. For being able to just be himself. I also loved that in return, he liked me for who I am as a person as well. I'm not the shiniest trophy on the shelf, or the skinniest swimsuit model in an issue of _Sports Illustrated_. But Eli had said that he didn't care about any of that. He told me that he loved being with me because I was edgy and daring. That I always threw back at him what he dished at me. I was one of the only people that could handle him and his smart remarks. That no matter what sarcastic comment he shot at me I always had one that was more sarcastic. The fact that I had helped him in his time of need after finding out about Julia and helping him with his hoarding issue. That I was understanding and had given him time to figure things out before we started any sort of relationship. He loved that I care so much about others and will do anything to help them. He loves that I stick with my beliefs and wont let anyone pressure me or tell me other wise what I should believe in. He loved my bouncing cinnamon curls and my bright blue eyes. My soft pale skin and dainty hands that seemed to intertwine with his perfectly. He had said he loved my company. Better yet, he said that he loved _me_. So what had changed? How do you just stop loving someone who had supposedly once meant the world to you? as Eli had once told me. What went wrong?


	5. AUTHORS NOTE!

** Hey everybody! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had been working on my story and had at least two more chapters written, but unfortunatley my story got deleted on my laptop. :( I was really frustrated because I've worked so hard on it. But oh well. I guess I will just have to re-write the last two chapters that I havent been able to post yet. I assure you that I will be re-writing the two chapters I'm just not sure when. I will try to as soon as possible. Hopefully by this weekend. College just started again and I'm busy with a lot of homework already. Again I'm really sorry, and thank you for being patient. KEEP ON REVIEWING!**

**Thank you,**

** IWantEliGold**


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey everybody! Sorry I haven't updated in while. I've been busy with school and re-writing the two chapters that I accidentally deleted. Anyway here is one of the chapters. It's a little shorter but I'm working on the other one. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS AND ENJOY! OH AND A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO lili480 FOR BEING THE FIRST ONE TO REVIEW CHAPTER FOUR. THANK YOU AGAIN AND PLEASE KEEP ON REVIEWING, I LOVE THEM AND THEY MAKE ME SMILE!**

Clare's POV

When I got home and stepped foot in through the door, I could already hear my parents yelling and screaming. Though they were not visible yet, lately they didn't have to be to know that they were both here, I could tell that they were in the kitchen. I dropped my shoes and backpack off by the door and walked past the kitchen headed upstairs to my room. As I walked by I stood in the kitchen doorway momentarily, but like usual was not seen or heard. I ran upstairs and plopped down on my bed staring at the ceiling. Sammy made his way in soon after and jumped up with me licking my face and rapidly wagging his tail like a tree branch caught up in a wind storm. I could tell that he was happy to see me as I him, at least somebody was. I layed there for a while petting Sammy and thinking about today's main event. A few tears had managed to fall until my mother opened my door and walked in. "Oh, Clare you _are _home" she said surprised to see me. "How long have you been here?" "Long enough" I said to myself, or so I had thought. "What was that?". "Oh, nothing. About an hour or so." "Oh, well there is a new family moving in next door, I would like you to take them over the pan of lasagna that is downstairs and welcome them to the neighborhood. "Okay, I'll be down in a minute." "Alright sweetheart don't be too long" with that she turned around and walked out.

I walked over to my window and looked next door. I didn't know that anyone was moving in. "Hmm, that's funny" I thought to myself. There was a giant moving van parked along side of the street in front of the house. I must have neglected to see it on my walk home due to the fact that my mind was wrapped around thoughts about Eli and my parents. I quickly re-curled my hair and re-applied my eye makeup that managed to smear and fade away from all the crying I had done today. I walked down stairs, slipped on my shoes and grabbed the pan of lasagna that my mom had made. Lasagna was my favorite. I haven't had it in forever. Actually I haven't had _any _home cooked meal in forever. Since my parents started fighting we stopped having family dinners and my mother stopped cooking all together. I was left to fend for myself, and let me tell you that peanut butter and jelly is not the most healthy or appetizing choice to be eating everyday. I was tempted to go up to my room and eat the lasagna for myself, but I knew I should go welcome the neighbors. My wants and needs are going to have to wait. I'm used to it, but for once I wish that something could go the way I want it to.


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey Everyone! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS AND ALERTS! So here is chapter six, ooh, and we see Clare has met her new neighbor! Let's see what happens. PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING!**

Clare's POV

I started to make my way across my front lawn, it was a nice day out today. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, and flowers were beginning to peek through the lightly visible fresh green grass. Spring was here, another one of my favorite things. It's like a fresh start in life after a long depressing winter when you had to stay inside most days for fear of getting caught in a snow storm. Half the time your parents won't let you hang out with your friends in the winter because "its to cold" as _my_ parents would always say. So it feels good to get out if only for a little while and get my mind off of things.

I must not have been paying attention because before I knew it I was colliding with a tall hard figure. Needless to say the lasagna and I both found ourselves on the ground, but lucky enough the lasagna managed to stay safe in the pan. I looked up to see what I had ran into and standing before me was a tall boy with shaggy light brown, almost blond, hair. He was a few inches taller than me and seemed to be about my age. He reached out with his free hand, as the other was holding a plate of brownies, and helped me up off the ground. As I stood there in front of him I got a closer look. This boy was very attractive looking. He had a muscular build with gorgeous sun kissed skin, a clear complexion, and the most beautiful caramel colored eyes. He was wearing a red hoodie with dark blue jeans and white and black Adidas. I must have been staring because he stretched his hand out and introduced himself. "Hey, I'm Derek" he said while shaking my hand. "Clare" I said shyly. "So did you parents make you go meet your new neighbors too?" he asked smiling. "Uh, yeah how did you know?" "Well you were headed over to my house with a pan of lasagna, so I sort of put two and two together" he said chuckling. "Oh, right" I began laughing also. "So Derek, where did you move here from?" I asked. "New Jersey." "Wow, any particular reason for picking Toronto?" "No, not really, my family and I just got sort of bored with living in the states for a while and decided we needed a change." "Okay, well welcome to Toronto" I greeted, smiling at him. "Thanks, It takes a load off my mind to know that I have at least one nice neighbor. Our last neighbors weren't the nicest people and my parents are always bugging me to get out of the house and make more friends." "Well I guess I'm your first new friend then" I said giving another smile. "Sounds good to me" he said smirking back. "So are you going to be going to Degrassi?" "Yeah, I think so. That's the high school a few blocks away right?" "That would be it, what grade are you in?" "Tenth." "That's great, so am I! Maybe we'll have some classes together." "I hope so, it would be nice to know one person starting off at a new school." "Well not to worry, your new friend is here" I said and we both began laughing. After our laughter died down Derek began to speak. "Well Clare, since you and I already met, what do you say about meeting the rest of our families, since that's what we were originally supposed to be doing?" he smirked again. "Sure." "Then follow me" he said gesturing towards his house.

**So there you go, chapter six. I hoped you all liked it. Tell me what you think. I'll try to update again soon. Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading my story, you are all amazing! THANK YOU AGAIN AND PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING! **


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey all my lovely readers! Sorry I've been MIA for so long. I've been really busy with school. Anyway here is chapter 7 as promised! Thank you to everyone who continues to read and review my story! It truthfully makes my day! Please let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions as to what you would like to see happen. THANK YOU AGAIN AND PLEASE REVIEW! OH! AND DID ANYONE BUT ME LOVE ELI IN THE NEWEST DEGRASSI EPISODE WHEN HE WAS PICKING ON ADAM? HE WAS SO HOT! LOL IM OBSESSED. I CANT WAIT FOR FRIDAY!**

Clare's POV

We walked over to Derek's house and up the front steps of his porch. He opened the door and let me in while hollering to his parents. "Mom, Dad! Come here for a minute!" A few seconds later a small figured woman with the same color hair as Derek and a taller dark haired man walked into the living room. "Derek, what's wrong? Oh! Who's this?" his mother asked looking from Derek to me then back to Derek again a wide grin spreading across her face. "Mom, Dad, this is Clare, our new neighbor. We're attending Degrassi together and we're in the same grade." "That's great. I'm glad to see you have made a new friend. See, I told you getting out was good for you!" "Mom" Derek said as if he were trying to get her to stop talking. I giggled a little at his shyness. " Hi, it's very nice to meet you Mr. And Mrs.…" I looked at Derek realizing I didn't even know his last name. "Burdick" his mother said shaking my hand. "Nice to meet you Mr. And Mrs. Burdick." "It was very nice to meet you as well Clare" Derek's father said to me.

" I hope we will be seeing more of you around here" replied Derek's mother with a warm smile. I blushed a little at her comment, I was flattered that they seemed to have liked me. "Hey, mom where's Emily?" "She's playing in her room." "EMILY! COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE!" "Was that necessary?" Mrs. Burdick asked. "What?" Derek asked looking innocent. "You could have walked up there and got her, instead of screaming across the house." As Derek shrugged his shoulders a small girl with long black hair walked down the stairs. She was petite, and looked to be around eight or so, her hair traveled down to the middle of her back and she had beautiful blue eyes with long eyelashes. As she was walking over to Derek I noticed she was wearing baggy, light blue jeans, and a white t- shirt that said LOVE across the front in red and pink lettering. "What's up big bro?" Emily asked after they had engaged in a small fist bump. "Emily, I want you to meet Clare, our new neighbor. Clare, this is my sister Emily." "Hi Clare, It's nice to meet you. Wow, I'm so glad we have a girl living next door! I love my brother and all but sometimes I need to hang out with girls too. We're going to be great friends!" she said to me with excitement present in her voice. I smiled at her reassuringly. "That sounds great Emily. You can come over whenever you'd like. I need some girl time too" I giggled. "Awesome, I like you already Clare!" "Alright Emily, leave Clare alone now. There is only so much excitement one person can handle in two minutes." "Oh, it's alright Derek, I haven't had the greatest day, so I could use a little cheering up, thanks Emily." "No problem" Emily said while sticking her tongue out at her brother and running back to her room. Derek looked at me as if questioning why I had had a bad day. "I'll tell you later" I whispered to him as his parents were still standing there, he nodded slightly and turned to his mother. "Mom, Clare brought us over some lasagna, but we should probably go over and say hi to her family now, we haven't really gotten the chance" Derek said laughing. "Oh, okay. Thank you Clare that was very thoughtful of you, and again it was nice meeting you" his mother said while taking the lasagna from me. "Your welcome Mrs. Burdick, it was a pleasure meeting you too." "Come back anytime you'd like, dear" she said as his parents both left the living room, headed to separate rooms of the house. "Well, shall we meet _your_ family now? Derek asked. "Sure, but I have to warn you that they're nothing like your family and only my mom is home at the moment." "Well, thanks for the warning" Derek said, chuckling as we walked back across our adjoined lawns to my house.

As we walked through my front door I could hear my mom in the kitchen again. Derek and I left our shoes by the door and he followed me in to see her. When we walked in, she was standing at the sink doing dishes with her back turned to us. "Hey mom." "Oh, hey Clare" she said as she turned around to face me. She looked like she had been crying, her eyes were puffy and red. "Mom, are you okay?" "I'm fine sweety" she said, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand that wasn't wet from washing dishes. "Who is this?" "Oh, mom this is Derek, Derek this is my mom. Derek is our new neighbor, he's going to be going to Degrassi." "That's wonderful, it's very nice to meet you Derek." "It's nice to meet you too ma'am he said. "Mom, is it okay if Derek and I go up to my room for a little while?" "Sure, just keep the door open. Has Eli met Derek yet? Maybe they could both join us for dinner. Is Eli still coming over?" I looked down sadly, remembering what had happened between Eli and I today. I guess talking to Derek had distracted me for a while. I looked back up at my mother, tears threatening to fall out of my once happy eyes. "No mom, Eli wont be joining us tonight anymore. Actually he wont be joining us for _anything_ anymore." With that I walked upstairs to my room as Derek once again followed closely behind.

"So, who's Eli?" Derek asked once we made it to my room and sat down. "Uh, remember me telling you about the whole having a bad day thing?" "Yeah." "Well it has to do with Eli. He's my boyrfri- _ex_-boyfriend now." Wow, I don't think I will ever fully get used to saying that. "Oh, so what happened?" Derek asked with curiosity. "He broke up with me this morning out of the clear blue. We had been dating for three months. I love him, and I thought he loved me back, but I guess I was wrong. This morning he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that I wasn't the one for him." At this point I had begun to cry, I couldn't take it anymore. "Wow, I'm really sorry Clare, Eli sounds like a jerk, and I know your hurting and that you may love him, but any guy who treats you like that isn't worth wasting your tears over." Derek was now sitting beside me on my bed with his arm around my shoulder trying to soothe me. The gesture was comforting and I was really grateful that I had found him and we were now friends. "Thanks Derek, that really means a lot. At least _you_ care." "Of course I care Clare, I'm your friend remember?" he asked grinning.

As the rest of the night went on, Derek and I stayed in my room learning more about each other. We talked for hours. We shared a few of the same interests, but it was nice to learn something different about someone. After everything I've been through, its nice to have some change. After having dinner with my mother and I, Derek said that he should be heading home. I walked him to our front door and said goodbye. "Hey Clare, before I go, would you like to ride to school with me on Monday? I already have my license and car, maybe you could show me around before classes star, and I wont feel lonely walking in by myself." I smiled half heartedly at his honesty. "Sure Derek, I would love to." Great, see you later Clare, I had a lot of fun getting to know you tonight." "Same here" I said to him, blushing. Derek finally waked home, leaving me to once again think about Eli and my on coming slight depression.

When I got back to my room, I went over to my bed and knelt down in front of it. I searched underneath it until I found what I was looking for. My journal. I write in it every so often when I feel that I really need it, and have no one else to talk to or explain my feelings to. This is one of those times. I took out a pen and layed on my bed. If I can't tell Eli to his face how I really feel, I can always tell him in here. He never has to read it, yet I can release all of my bottled up feelings. I sighed, then took a deep breath and began to write;

_Eli, _

_ I still don't understand. Why would you leave me, after once telling me you loved me? With you, I felt whole, complete. Like a thousand piece puzzle that had just been finished, after having taken a lifetime to find the last missing piece. Now that your gone, I'm the puzzle, but the pieces are no longer intact. Very carefully, and one-by-one, you found a way to hide every last piece, and left me alone to find each and every one by myself. It's almost impossible. After taking so long to finally complete the puzzle, only to have it destroyed, I'm not sure I have the will power left to find all the pieces. Truthfully, I don't know if I want to find them all. They all just remind me of you. But if I don't find them all, maybe, just maybe, someday a new piece can be made to fit that empty space. It will never fit perfectly, nor ever take your place, but I have to try to move on. You may have left me alone to fix this puzzle, but I will complete it once again someday. If not for myself, then I will do it for you. Even if your not the last missing piece, you will always be in my heart. I can't make you love me, and that I understand, but you cant stop me from loving you. When I was with you, even for the short three months we were together, I was happy. So, thank you. Thank you Eli, for the change you have made in my life. I will always love you. _

_ Love always_

_ ~ Clare_

**Hey guys, it will probably say that I updated again today, but I just wanted to fix this chapter. There were a few mistakes I saw when reading it. So they are fixed now! ENJOY!**


	9. Author note!

**Hey Everyone! Wow it's been so long since I've updated! Sorry about that. I've been really busy with school. Its been hectic! The good news is is that I start vacation tomorrow for a week, so I can update then, if you want me to. Just let me know if you want me to continue or not! Thanks a bunch for all the reviews and alerts they mean a lot! You guys are great and I love you all! Like I said please let me know if you would like me to continue! Thanks again!**

**Iwanteligold**


	10. Chapter 8

**Hello Everybody, I'm sorry It has taken so long for me to update but I finally got time to do it over vacation! Most of you wanted me to continue so thank you so much! I can't say it enough. I really appreciate all of you who take the time to read and review my story. Please keep on reviewing. And I seem to be having a little bit of writers block, so please give me ideas on what you think should happen next, or what you would like to see happen in the story. Please give me some ideas, I really appreciate it. Thank you guys so much!**

Eli's POV

Ugh, I thought to myself as I walked through the halls. Monday, my least favorite day of the week. Whoever invented it must have been dropped on their head a few times when they were born. It feels like it takes a year just to get back to Friday, and even then you only have two days away from this hell hole. The only thing that made Mondays the least bit tolerable, was Clare. She's always so happy, no matter what day of the week it is. Not that I'm complaining, her bubbly personality can make anybody smile, but I cant ever let her know that. It's better this way, that we're not together. I'm not right for her, she deserves better than someone like me, someone who wont hold her back or screw up her life. Even though it's a living hell for me to be without her, I wont show it. I can't let her see.

"Hey Adam, watcha got there man?" I asked him as I slid down a locker and sat on the floor next to him. "Oh, I don't know, only the newest issue of The Goon!" "What? No way! Sweet man, let me see!" I said to him grabbing the comic out of his hand. "Sure Eli, you can read my newest issue of the best comic ever that I haven't even finished reading myself yet," Adam said sarcastically. I glared at him a little and smirked. "Thanks man." "Yeah, yeah," he said while pulling out another comic for himself to read.

After a while of sitting in the hallway, reading comics with Adam waiting for first period to start, I looked up and saw a small electric blue car pull up outside in front of the giant double doors. It was a nice looking car but not really my style. I observed the car for a moment, curious as to see who owned it. As I watched I saw a tall boy with light brown hair step out of the car. "Hey Adam, who's the new kid?" I asked, nudging him in the side with my elbow. Adam and I both looked back up so he could see who I was talking about. The next thing I saw I sure as hell was not prepared for. Immediately I felt a giant pit in my stomach and my fists balled up in rage. I jumped up of the floor, my body shaking. "And Why the hell is Clare riding in a car with him! She shouldn't be riding in cars with guys!" I yelled as I saw her climb out of the passenger side door. "Woah, calm down Eli, why do you care? She rode in your car with _you_, remember? "That's different." "How?" "It just is." "Okay man whatever, and the "_new kid_" has a name. It's Derek. He's actually really cool." "Wait, you know him?" I asked, turning my head to look at him, my eyebrow raising with curiosity. "Uh, yeah. Clare brought him over to my house this weekend to introduce us. He's her new neighbor. They've been hanging out all weekend." "What? New neighbor? Are you kidding me!" by now I was absolutely furious. I know I told Clare she wasn't the one for me but this was too much. I didn't think she would move on so fast. As I stood there watching them, body still trembling, I saw them begin to walk up the steps into the school. Their proximity was a little to close for my liking. "Hey Adam", Clare said walking in to school, a smile on her face. "Uh, hey Eli." She said to me looking down, a little embarrassed. "I gotta go," I said a little to harshly, and walked away from them down the hall.


	11. Authors note

**Hello again. Im sorry for another Authors note but its sort of important. First off I would like to say thank you again for all the reviews and alerts. It really means alot, you dont even know. Second of all, Im sorry that this is not another chapter but I really do need some help. I will continue to write the story but Im not sure yet where I want to take it. If you have any ideas for me that would be great. Are there any ideas of what you would like to see in the next chapter or in the rest of the story? Please let me know. Please help and give me some ideas so I can continue. Thank you so much!**

**iwanteligold**


	12. Chapter 9

** Thank you everyone for the great ideas! You guys really helped alot! I liked each and everyone of your ideas and I will do my best to see what I can come up with. You guys are great. Truly amazing. I dont like this chapter very much, its a little boring but I wanted to put something up because of all your helpful reviews. Thank you again, I really appreciate it. **

Clares POV

"Whats wrong with Eli?" I asked Adam, as I watched Eli storm his way down the hall in a fit of rage. Even though I'm not with him anymore, I still care about him. I always will. It hurts me to see him so upset. "Who knows? That boy has so many issues and mood swings I cant keep track. I don't know how you did it Clare, I really don't," Adam said to me shaking his head in disbelievement. "Did what?," I asked in slight confusion. "How you managed to stay with him and deal with him for so long. Didn't you get sick of him? I mean Eli is my friend and all, but I can only handle him and his depression for so long. Wasn't there ever a time where you felt like you had to be away from him? That you couldn't handle all his issues?" I didn't even have to think about an answer before I turned away from watching Eli to look at Adam, and simply stated "No, never."

I finally made it through most of the day and was making my way to English when I spotted Derek. "Hey Derek, where are you headed next?" I asked him as I walked towards him down the hall. "Oh, hey Clare" he said smiling at me. "Um, I think I'm headed to English with a Ms. Dawes" he said while looking up from reading his schedule. "Really? That's great! So am I!. I'm so happy we finally have a class together. Come on we can walk together." With that Derek and I made our way down the hall headed to English.

When we got to there, Derek sat down in an empty seat beside me, while Adam sat to my left. I decided that I would try to talk to Eli. We may not be dating, but that doesn't mean we cant be friends right? Forgive and forget? I can learn to be okay with the decision Eli made in breaking up with me, if he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be with me. We can just have a relationship that doesn't have to deal with being romantically involved. I love Eli too much to have him out of my life completely.

I turned around in my seat to attempt to talk to him, but the seat was empty. Nothing but a barren desk sat before me, and my heart began to sink. The bell rang and Ms. Dawes walked in, already talking about todays lesson plan, but Eli was no where to be found. Fifteen minutes had passed and Eli was a no show. I leaned over in my seat when Ms. Dawes had her back turned and whispered to Adam. "Hey Adam, where's Eli?" "I don't know, I haven't seen him since he stormed off this morning" he whispered back. "Clare, Adam, please do tell what it is you find so fascinating that you had to interrupt my lesson plan" Ms. Dawes said while walking over to stand in front of my desk. "Uh, um, well, you se- "Clare was just asking me for a pen Ms. Dawes, so she could copy down some of your beautifully structured notes about our next assignment" Adam interrupted, smirking at Ms. Dawes. "Uh huh, I see" Ms. Dawes said with a hint of sarcasm and a skeptical look on her face. "Sorry Ms. Dawes, we wont interrupt again" I told her. "Thank you, Clare. Anyway class, you may now begin working on your next assignment with your partners. You may take the rest of the class to do so. I expect you to be working on the project and not chit-chatting. If you cannot follow these simple instructions you will be responsible for getting together with your partner on your own time outside of class. I'm nice enough to give you more than enough class time, please use it wisely. The assignment is due Friday, you may now begin." Uh, oh. My English partner isn't here, sadly. How am I supposed to work on the assignment without him? I thought to myself. "Um, Ms. Dawes?" I asked walking up to her desk. "Yes, Clare?" "Um my partner hasn't shown up today. Should I just work on the assignment by myself?" "Ah, yes, Mr. Goldsworthy seems to be missing in your time of need." Today isn't the only day he's been missing in my time of need, I thought to myself. "Well I suppose that you could work on the assignment with Derek. He's new and doesn't have a partner yet. I can talk to Eli about the assignment when he decides to show up again." "Oh, well okay, thanks Ms. Dawes" I said while walking back to my seat. I was a little dissapointed. I mean I like Derek and all and I'd rather work on the assignment with someone else than by myself, but Eli's my English partner. I don't want to replace him, he's the best partner I've ever had.

"So, my English partner didn't show up today, so Ms. Dawes said that we should work together on the assignment" I said to Derek as I sat back down at my desk. "That's great. We should probably get a head start on it, do you want to come over tonight to work on it?" Derek asked. "Sure, yeah I guess that could work." I really hope Eli decides to show up again soon. I never noticed how horrible class is without him, especially when I cant work with him. He always made my day better, and him not being here as the complete opposite effect. Ugh, I wish today would just end already.


	13. Chapter 10

**Ok, so I know this isn't much, but I haven't updated in a while and I wanted to put something up there for you guys. So here it is. Another journal entry that Clare writes to Eli. Not exactly the greatest, but I have a slight case of writers block. Anyways I hope you enjoy! Please dont hesitate to tell me what you think! Almost 50 reviews! Thank you so much to everyone! You mean a lot to me. Without you I wouldn't be here writing this, or happy that I'm actually doing it. Writing this story sort of relaxes me and gives me some sort of escape from everyday life. It's great! So thank you all again!**

_Eli,_

_ They say that when you love something, you should set it free, and if it's meant to be it will come back to you. Well, lately I'm starting to second guess my judgment in believing that could be true, because I truly believe that we are meant to be together, yet I don't see you coming back. I keep dreaming and hoping that you do. But then again, I guess that's why they call it dreaming. It isn't supposed to mix in with reality. I mean, whats the point of dreaming, really? When your sleeping, you dream of things that actually make you happy, yet everything you dream never seems to come true. So my question is, why not stay sleeping forever? _

_ Its getting harder you know, not being with you. Not having you so close in my life. Your there, but your not actually "there", with me. I'm trying to move on, because I know what we had is over, but its so hard. It's as if when I was with you, I built a barrier between us and the outside world. I only wanted to see us, only wanted to think about us, and only wanted to dream about us. But I suppose now its time to wake up, and face the real world. No more imagining, or hoping, or having some sort of faith that you'll just change your mind and come back. Now that your gone, the barrier seems to have broken, and I'm afraid I don't know how to handle whats beyond it on my own. The girl that you see now, shes not the same one you used to know. She's changed. She may look the same on the outside, but on the inside shes withering away. Her heart feels light, as its barely existing. Only used to pump blood within her veins, just barely doing its job to keep her alive, if only for a moment. Its dissipating, along with her soul. She tries her hardest to wake up everyday and replace the frown that seems to never go away, with a mask. One that is not easily penetrable. It's hard to see the hurt, the anguish that she bottles up inside. She's afraid to say anything, for fear of making it seem all the more real. But it is real. There's no denying it, no escaping. I love you Eli, I really , truly do, I just don't know what else I can do or say to make the hurt stop. Just to make it go away. If only you could read these letters that I'm writing to you, maybe then you would understand how I feel. How much I want you, how much I need you. Or maybe if you read them you just wouldn't care at all, or maybe I'm over-thinking things, I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Anyway, that's why I will never show you these letters. In fear of what you will say, or think. If I don't show them to you, I wont have to risk going through more rejection, and trust me when I say I think I've had more than I can handle. So they will stay locked up, inside my heart and soul. Forever staining my mind with the memory of your once ever loving presence. I love you Elijah Goldsworthy, I'll never stop, not until my heart stops beating and I'm no longer able to feel you coursing through my veins, warming up every inch of my body with your potent yet sweet self. You already own me, and you will forever, whether you may want to or not. _

_ Love always,_

_ ~Clare_

I slowly closed my journal, and placed down my pen, catching a tear that seemed to have fallen. I placed my journal back under my bed, and took a deep breath. Once again placing the fake smile back on my face. I made my way down the stairs, and across my lawn headed to Derek's house to work on our new English assignment.


	14. Chapter 11

**Hello everybody! Ok, so first off I would like to say I was pretty pleased with this chapter. It's Eli's POV and pretty long. I also want to let you know that the story may be done pretty soon. Im not sure yet. Oh, and Turbowiz70 I would just like to let you know that I was already thinking along the same lines of you for Eli finding Clare's journal. :) I just wanted to let you know so when you read this you wouldn't think I stole your idea or didn't give you any credit. But thank you for the review! I love all of you so much, and I appreciate all of you who continue to read and review my story! Please review! Thank you! I hope you enjoy!**

Eli's POV

I cant believe this. Who the hell does this guy think he is? _"Derek." _I went to see Ms. Dawes today after class because I didn't want to face seeing Clare after having to see her with that new kid this morning. Ms. Dawes had told me that because I wasn't in class today, she let Clare and Derek work on the new English assignment together. That just pissed me off even more. Not because I now have to work on the assignment by myself, but because Clare his working on it with _him_. Clare is _MY _English partner. I mean, who the hell does this guy think he is? He stole my girl, my English partner, and is now all of sudden friends with my best friend. What? Is he trying to be me or something? This guy has only been here for all of one day and I already hate him. I have to go see Clare about this. This guy cant just take her away from me. I know_ I _broke up with _her_, but I cant do this anymore. I love Clare, and I don't want anyone else being with her but me, I don't care how avaricious that makes me sound. I want Clare forever, I_ need _her.

When I pulled up to Clare's house in Morty, and walked up her front steps, I paused and took a deep breath. What am I supposed to say to her after breaking her heart with no real explanation, and then just begging her to take me back? I proceeded hesitantly and knocked on her front door. Mrs. Edwards greeted me. "Well hello Eli, I haven't seen you around in a while." "Hello Mrs. Edwards, and I know, Clare and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms lately. But I'm here to try to fix that. Is she here? Can I see her?" I asked while looking over her shoulder into her living room. "Actually she's next door with her new friend Derek at the moment. Im sure they wouldn't mind if you went over there. Or you could wait here for her if you wish. She shouldn't be too much longer." There he is again, _Derek. _Why does he have to be every where I am? And why does Clare even have to associate with this jerk? "Um that's ok, I'll just wait for her here if you don't mind." "Alright Eli, well I have to go out for a little bit, make yourself comfortable. You know where the drinks and snacks are if you need anything. Feel free to help yourself." "Thank you Mrs. Edwards" I said to her as she walked out the door and let me inside. "No problem, Eli. It was nice to see you again." "You too Mrs. Edwards." With that she smiled at me, and got into her car and drove off.

As I was sitting on the couch waiting for Clare to get home, I had turned on the tv and sat flicking through the channels. Boredom started to creep into my mind, and that's when my curiosity got the best of me. I wonder if Clare has taken down the pictures she had up of us in her room. What about the screen saver of us that was on her laptop? Would she want to just erase me from her mind? No, it couldn't be. She had said hi to me this morning. The curiosity was killing me. I had to know. I had to see her room. I turned off the tv and slowly made my way up the stairs to the second floor. I walked down the short hallway and stood before Clare's purple bedroom door, that held a flowery sign saying Clare's Room. I slowly and quietly pushed open the door and made my way inside. Her room was neat. Everything seemed to be in its place. Her bed was made as usual and her walls were painted a light purple, just how I remember them after have coming in here so many times. Her bookshelf stood on the wall by one of her windows at the end of her bed. I walked over to her nightstand and to my surprise the picture of me kissing her on the cheek was still there, in its frame. I smiled slightly and walked over to her computer desk. I flipped open her laptop and moved my finger across the mouse pad to wake up her screen. I smiled again when I saw another picture of us, this one of Clare sitting on my lap with my my arms around her waste, still set as her background. I had to admit that this was my favorite picture of us. We both looked so happy. Huge smiles plastered on both our faces. I had to admit, for the most part, up until the last couple of days before our breakup, I was always happy with Clare. I always seemed to have a smile on whenever I saw or though about her.

By this point I was sitting on the edge of Clare's bed. I must have been sitting there at least ten minutes just thinking about all the times we've shared together, and how happy I used to be. Now I'm just miserable. I stood up to see what time it was when I stepped on something. I looked down to see what it was, and picked up a thin black book. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I was curious, and opened it up. It was Clare's hand writing. Pages upon pages of Clare's neatly written penmanship. It was Clare's journal. I had never seen it before, but I remember her telling me she had had one. I sat back down on the bed and started to read it from the beginning. I know it's so wrong of me to do this, but I'm extremely curious. I want to know everything there is to know about Clare. I love her.

After laying there for a while, learning all about KC, her parents divorce, and about her sister and Alli, I got to the few most recent entries. I sat up on the bed mesmerized. They were letters that Clare had written to me. I cant believe it. I never knew Clare felt this way about me. Maybe I still do have a chance. She does love me. I couldn't wait any longer for Clare to get home and I flew over to Dereks house. I have to see Clare, now! How can I wait any longer when now I know that there still might be a really great chance for me?

When I got to Derek's, out of breath from running, I quickly knocked on the door. A woman answered, who I assumed to be Derek's mom. "Hi, can I help you?" She asked sweetly, yet looked a little confused. "Yeah, hi my name is Eli, I'm sorry to just come over unannounced but I'm Clare's boyf- well friend, and I really need to see her. I heard she was here." "Oh, well It's nice to meet you Eli, and yes Clare is with Derek up in his room. I believe they're working on an English assignment. Your welcome to go up there if you would like." "Thank you so much" I said to her. "No problem sweety" she said while stepping aside to let me in. "Derek's room is upstairs, first room on the left. "Thanks again" I said to her. She nodded slightly and I made my way up to Derek's room. I got to his doorway, and that's when I saw them. I froze in my tracks. A string of emotions coursed through me. They went from shock, to sadness, to anger, to betrayal, all in a matter of seconds. My fists balled up in a fit of rage for the second time today. Clare was kissing Derek.


	15. Chapter 12

**Hello Everyone! So I just wanted to let you all know that this chapter switches in and out of Clare and Eli's POV. It was just a little easier to write it like that, but no biggie, just thought I'd let you know! Thank you again for all the reviews and I love you all! Please let me know what you think and keep reviewing! THANK YOU SO MUCH!**

Clare's POV

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?", I heard someone yell, in an all too familiar voice. I looked up, and sure enough, my assumption had been correct. "Eli!", I screeched, while jumping up off the bed and pushing Derek away from me. I cant believe this. I was just sitting here kissing Derek! What was I thinking? Even worse, Eli had seen! "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, CLARE?". I looked ashamedly away from Eli and quickly followed my gaze back to Derek. "I'm really sorry Derek, I have to go" I told him, a little shaky. At this point I was almost in tears. I grabbed my jacket and books and started to make my way around him towards the door, my head hung low in embarrassment and guilt. "Clare?" I heard Derek say softly. I turned back around to face him, tears beginning to cascade down my face. "I'm really sorry Derek, but trust me this isn't about you." "THE HELL IT ISN'T!", Eli screamed, as he was still standing furiously in Derek's bedroom doorway with his fists clenched tight. I swear I could see the vain throbbing in his neck. I winced a little, and rushed past Eli, bumping him with my shoulder on the way out.

Eli's POV

"Clare!", I screamed, as she rushed past me and out of the house, sobbing. I turned back around to Derek. "She may not think this is about you, but it most definitely is" I screamed at him while pointing my finger in his face. "Never, under any circumstances, do I want to catch you touching her again. If I even catch you looking at her, you are dead. Got it? I don't know who the hell you think you are, but your not just going to show up here, and pry yourself into mine and Clare's lives, like you have some sort of entitlement. Clare is MINE, and you better stay away from her." "Oh, and what are you going to do about it? Last time I checked, Clare wasn't your girlfriend anymore." Derek said to me while walking closer. "You don't want to find out, and that's about to change, so stay the hell away from her" I said to him as I took a step closer, so we were now face to face. With that, I turned around and ran out of the house, trying to catch up with Clare.

Clare's POV

I ran upstairs to my room immediately. I can't believe this, what do I do? Eli saw me kissing Derek! Wait, why do I even care what Eli thinks? He dumped me, so obviously he doesn't love me. He's not going to care one way or another that I was kissing Derek. Maybe he just came over to ask me a question about the English assignment. Yeah, that's it, that must be it.

I was pacing back and forth across my bedroom, nervously and in hysterics, trying to convince myself that the only reason Eli had come over was because he had a question about the assignment. "Clare!" I heard Eli scream from downstairs. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. What do I do?" I asked myself as I began to pace faster. Quickly, Eli had ran into my room and was now standing directly in front of me. "Clare, what the hell was that?" "What was what?" I asked him, trying to pretend as if I was innocent, and hadn't the slightest idea what he was talking about. "Don't play games with me Clare. Why the hell were you kissing him?" "Why do you care Eli? Why are you even here anyway?" "Because I was trying to come back to fix our relationship. Don't change the subject Clare, why were you kissing him?" Now I was upset. Who does he think he is? He can't just come in here and play me like this. One minute he doesn't want to be with me, and the next minute he's saying he wants me back, and he's mad because I kissed someone else? That doesn't work for me. "Clare, why were kissing him?" Eli asked, growing inpatient. "BECAUSE I WANTED TO ELI! I WANTED TO KISS HIM, OKAY? MAYBE FOR ONE MINUTE I JUST WANTED TO STOP THINKING, WANTED TO STOP HURTING! FOR ONE MINUTE i WANTED TO FEEL FREE! I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ALL THE PAIN YOU CAUSED ME, AND WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH! I WANTED TO FEEL LOVED! LIKE SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTED ME, AND WANTED TO BE WITH ME! I WANTED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU FOR ONE MINUTE, AND TRY TO MOVE ON! ERASE YOU FROM MY MIND! FOR ONE MINUTE STOP THINKING ABOUT AND STRESSING MYSELF WITH THE SAME QUESTIONS, WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO BE WITH ME? I JUST WANTED IT TO STOP ELI, WHY STRESS YOURSELF OR BREAK YOURSELF WORRYING OVER A GUY WHO DOESN'T EVEN LOVE YOU BACK? I JUST NEEDED IT TO END! EVEN IF I COULD ONLY ESCAPE JUST FOR A MINUTE, THAT WAS ENOUGH!" "Clare..." I looked into his eyes, they seemed sad and lost. Almost like seeing a little child after they just found out their new puppy had ran away. His face fell, and I had to look away. My head bowed down so I no longer had to look at him and my gaze fell to my bed. That's when I saw it. Lying on my bed, wide open, was my journal. All my secrets laid out in the open, in front of the one boy who had mended my heart, and then broke it. My heart started to race faster, I couldn't control my breathing and began to hyperventilate. I gasped and looked back at him. "You, you read my journal?" I asked him in a voice just barely above a whisper. He looked confused at first, then looked to my bed and back at me. "Cl-Clare, I-" "I think you should leave Eli" I cut him off before he could say anymore. My heart was broken, I felt betrayed, empty. I was no longer safe in my own mind. Eli now knew all my deepest thoughts and feelings.


	16. Chapter 13

**Hello Everyone! First off, I would like to say I know this is a very depressing chapter. I was going through a hard time when I wrote it. My best guy friend and I had a talk about our "feelings", and well lets just say it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. :( Oh, well. I'll get over it eventually, it will just take some time. Although it sucks when it's the day before your birthday! Anyway, here is my birthday present to you guys! Maybe, you could give me a birthday present back by reviewing! Thats all I ask for! THANK YOU EVERYBODY SO MUCH! I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND IM GLAD YOU LIKE MY STORY! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR REVIEWS!**

**Clare's POV**

Dear Diary,

_Yes, I said Diary. Today this isn't for Eli, it's for me. He already knows how I feel. He read everything. But hopefully he wont read this. I need to write this for me, I need to know how I feel. For once I need to face the pain, and try to embrace it, whether I like it or not. I never thought I could feel this bad. I've seen other people go through it, but never once did I think I would actually feel it. This pain is unbearable. Every time you think about him, the hole in your heart seems to grow deeper. There's no escaping this hurt, the never ending downward spiral you seem to keep sinking into. Every where you turn, he's there. Every where you look, he's watching you. It's impossible not to think about, and when you do, it's like it hits you ten times harder than it did the first time. I never could imagine how someone else felt when they went through something like this. I would always say how heartbreaking it is, or how bad I felt for that person, and that I couldn't even imagine how they were feeling. Now I know that you truly cant imagine it, until your feeling it for yourself. Your insides feel as if they are withering away. Your breaking painfully slow, piece by piece. You cant seem to stop it. You dont know how to stop it. You would give anything to go back in time, to take back what you said or did, but you cant. You have to live with your choices and their glorious consequences._

_As I sit here in my bed, I can feel my heart deteriorating. I cant stop crying. The tears keep pouring out, and I cannot wipe them away fast enough to stop myself from drowning in sorrow. I want it to end, but I dont know how. Maybe not talking to him would be the easier choice. Just to walk away now, and never look back. To walk out of his life. It would be easier. Less pain, no more thinking. If he's not there, you wont know how to feel, you wont be able to feel. The emotion towards him will eventually run dry. Like these tears that seem to be never ending. _

_People always say that things happen for a reason. But I'm one of those people who always seems to need closure. Why did this happen? What is the reason, other than to make me hurt? What possible reason could there be for making me feel this way? Why does it seem as if your the only person that everything you want, never works out for? Why is it always you who seems to get the short end of the stick? Why does it hurt so much? How do I stop the pain? Please, someone, just tell me how. All these questions, with no answers. Almost like unanswered prayers. People say that sometimes you have to help yourself, but If I could, dont you think I would? I dont want to feel as if I have nothing left to live for. No one to talk to, no one to love. Where are your friends when you need them the most? Even if its just a hug, or a pat on the back to give you some kind of comfort. It's painstakingly hard to do this on your own, and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. I cant hold myself together tight enough to stop the hole from growing bigger, and overcoming my whole body. Allowing me to sink, and never crawl back out. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to crawl out. No more thinking, no more feeling, no more hurting. _


	17. Chapter 14

**Did I ever tell you how much I love you guys? Well, I do! I love each and every one of you! You are great! Thank you for the birthday wishes, and especially thank you for the support. It's good to know that you are there if I need anyone to talk to. I truly appreciate it, it means alot. The same goes for all of you as well. If you need anyone to talk to I am also here. I hear I give some pretty good advice. :) Thank you so much! Here is a short little chapter in Eli's POV, please leave a review and let me know what you think. Oh, by the way, I believe that this story is almost done. Maybe just a few more chapters. But, I was thinking about writing another story, not a sequal to this one or anything, a completely different story, but I wanted to know if you thought I should write another one, or give up on my writing career. Please review and let me know what you think. Thank you! :)**

Eli's POV

Love. One word that no person should use lightly, nor take for granted. Never fail to administer everything that love entails. If you want someone, tell them. If you love them, show it.

I should have told Clare how I felt. I realize now that this whole thing was a big mistake. Completely my fault, and it could have been avoided, if only I had talked to her. I love Clare with all of my heart. I should have showed her that instead of ruining the best relationship I ever had, and breaking her heart. I'm so selfish sometimes. Everything always has to be about me. Never was I thinking about Clare's feelings. She helped me with everything, and what did I give her in return? A broken heart. She's the one who helped me after Julia had died, she's the one who helped me with my hoarding, and stuck around with me until my room was de-cluttered and eventully cleaned. She is the one person who actually stepped up to be with me because she cared enough. Someone who actually liked me for me, including my black attire, highly opinionated attitude, and cocky and sarcastic self. All she did was love me, and I took that for granted. Because she was there for me all the time, I guess I just got used to the idea that she would always be there. I never thanked her, or showed her how much she actually means to me. That I appreciate everything she has done. Im such a jerk.

Well, this time everything wont be about me. I want Clare back, but I'm willing to give her what she wants, if she's happy, then im happy. Atleast I can try to be. I need to think about her for once.

I've tried calling, I've tried texting, I've tried e-mail and facerange, but nothing. I even tried calling Clare's mother to see if she would give her a message for me, but she said that Clare didn't want to talk to me at the moment, at that I should just respect her wishes. As much as I didn't want to hear it, or agree with the fact that her mother couldn't deliver one simple message, I had to agree with her. I _should_ respect Clare's wishes. It's the least I can do after everything I put her through. But, I have one more plan, and if it doesn't work, then I will leave her alone. I will respect the fact that she doesn't want to forgive me, or try to make things work. I'll even completely understand the reason why. I wont blame her. I wont hold a grudge. I'll just try to move on and let her do the same. I need to make _her _happy for once, even if it means that I have to leave, and lose the one for me, and most importantly, my best friend. If I can finally make her happy for once, then I will leave if thats what she asks.


	18. AUTHOR NOTE 4!

**Hello everyone. I am sorry to dissapoint. This is not a new chapter yet. Just another boring authors note that I know you all hate. Im such a hipocrite because I hate them too! Anyway sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I will update this story as soon as I can. Hopefully this weekend, but probably not before then because I have finals all this week for shcool. I know a lot of you wanted to know when I was going to update, and are anxious to know what will happen next. Well I assure you I will finish the story. Maybe a couple chapters left. Im not sure yet. But in the meantime please go check out my new story The Letter, if you havent yet, and leave a review to let me know what you think! That would be great and I would love you guys so much! Oh, and also, TurboWiz70, thank you so much for being the first one to review it, I'm so glad that I inspired you to write your story, it means alot. :) ~IWantEliGold**


	19. Chapter 15

**So, here it is. The next chapter you've all been waiting for. I updated a little earlier than I had planned. I have to say Im a little disappointed I only got one review for my new story. I guess you dont like it. :( If you havent yet, please go check it out. It's called The Letter. Anyway, thank you for those who continue to read and review this story. It means a lot to me. It seriously makes my day every time I see a new review. :)**

Eli's POV

Well, this is my last chance. My last chance to save any relationship that I could possibly have with Clare, my last chance to tell her I'm sorry, my last chance to stop her from hurting over me. I sat down at my desk, and looked around for a pen. I pulled a piece of paper out from my top drawer, and placed it in front of me. I let out a deep sigh, then sucked in a breath of air. This is my last hope. This last plan could make or break the rest of my happiness with Clare. This could be it for us, the end. I may never be able to cross paths with Clare the same way again. Sure, we may look up at each other as we pass by in the halls at school, or down the street, but only as a sign of recognition and of the lost future we could have been happy sharing together. I'll look at her, she'll look at me, a quick flash of an old memory that once made us smile will run through our minds, then as quickly as it came, it will be gone. We will have to let it go, put our heads back down, and slowly keep walking, trying to hold the remains of our hearts intact. I picked up the pen and gently pressed the ball of it to the paper. I began to write:

Clare,

_ Please dont stop reading this, or throw it away because you see that it's from me. I really need you to know what I have to say. I know that you have given me so much of your time already, and I completely took it for granted, but please just give me one more minute. I know it's asking for a lot, but what more could it hurt?_

_ Thank you. If your reading this next paragraph I'm assuming you gave me a chance. So thanks. Please dont start crying, or start crying then turn angry at me, because I know your thinking right now about how much nerve I have for actually trying to write you an apology letter after all I've done. Anyway, you have written so many letters to me, I thought it was time that I write one back. _

_ I know that those letters were never intended for my eyes to see, and for that I am completely sorry. Im sorry that I invaded your privacy, but here I am being selfish again, because I'm not sorry that I read them. I'm glad that I did Clare. I needed to know, and glad that I do know, how you feel about me. Or maybe by now, how you did feel about me. For all I know this letter could be completely useless to you and you've already moved on. But that's ok. I would understand. I was a jerk Clare, and there was no excuse for it, but even if this letter means nothing to you now, it means something to me. It will mean that I tried. That I tried to get you back, tried to move on from all of my issues, tried to start a new life with you, a better one. And after all of this, if you still dont want to be with me, I can try to go on living knowing that I did everything I could to get the love of my life back. I'll never be happy like I was with you, nor will I ever want to be with another girl, but I would live, as long as I know that your happy, and I'm no longer causing your pain. _

_ I realize now, how much you love me, but I just wish I could have recognized it sooner. If you didn't love me, you wouldn't have stayed with me for as long as you did. You wouldn't have helped me with getting over Julia, even though I knew it hurt you. You wouldn't have helped me with my hoarding, and you certainly wouldn't have picked me out of a crowd of five hundred other guys at Degrassi. I know I'm a little frightening when I'm first glanced at, I mean look at me, I'm covered in black, I look like the grim reaper. Stop smiling at that comment by the way. :) What I'm trying to say is that I should have known all along that you loved me. You looked passed that first glance, and looked inside of me for a change, not just at what was on the outside. You gave me a chance, even though I may have frightened you or annoyed you with my sarcastic remarks. You took time out of your life to get ot know me. To actually talk to me, when at first I acted like a jerk. You took time out of your life each day, to talk to me, to try to found out about something more, even if it was just to say hi or to smile. I'm glad you did Clare, because I love you so much, and I dont want to imagine my life without you coexisting in it happily. I'm glad you broke me out of my shell and made me talk to you. It was the best thing anyone could have done for me, because in doing it, I found the love of my life. Huh, who knew? Me, goth, emo, grim reaper looking guy, would fall for Clare Edwards. Bright, cheery, nice to everyone Christian, who always says "I praise Jesus because He saved me." Well Clare, YOU saved ME. So thank you for that. I actually could not thank you enough. _

_ In writing this letter, I want to give you closure. I want you to know why I called it off between us, and just thinking about it pains me, so I'll try to make this quick. I thought I wasn't good enough for you Clare. I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want to hold you back, and make you stay with a depressed me for the rest of you life. I knew that could never make you happy. I wanted you to live your life and not worry about me. You have so much going for you. Your extremely smart, your funny and beautiful. I love the way you laugh, smile, walk, the way you look without make-up. Natural, beautiful. I love the sound of your soft voice. I love how you say my name, and when you used to tell me you loved me. I even love when you occasionally snort when your laughing so hard, I think you might pee your pants. You blush, and try to hide it. Thinking maybe I didn't notice. But I did. I always did. I notice everything about you. And everything makes me smile. I just wanted to let you know how much I love you Clare, and now I just want to focus on making you happy. Im not just going to come out and ask if you'll give me another chance for the thousandth time, or ask you if you want to end it now, and end all ties. I'm over that. I'm not going to ask you to choose anything. I wont even ask you to choose between me and Derek. If he's what you want and makes you happy, then so be it. By all means go for it. Live your life, be happy, follow all your dreams. I hope they come true. If you want to be with me, I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. But if you dont, well, I guess this is goodbye. Thank you for all of the wonderful times you gave me. Your the only and best memory I would never want to erase. No one will take your place Clare. You will forever be etched into my heart, my mind, my soul. I love you, with all of my heart. Please know that, and that YOU are the love of my life. Forever. Even when you've moved on. Im sorry for everything I did, and that it turned out the way it did. I never intended on hurting you more. I should have talked to you about all this from the beginning. Maybe then we wouldn't have ended up the way we are, and we could still be happy.I would be with the one I love. But, no one can dwell on the past. It hurts to much. I can't thank you enough for being a part of my life. I dont even know how. I love you Clare. Please, always know that. If you ever need anything, I'm here. I always will be. You, are the one for me. _

_ Love, _

_ ~Eli. _


	20. Chapter 16

**So, unfortunatley I have some bad news. This is the last chapter! :( I love you all, and appreciate all of those who have read this story and have reviewed. It really meant alot to me, and I'm glad that you like my story. Im sure that I will have more stories to come, Im just not sure when. I still have to process a few ideas. If you have any please let me know! Dont be afriad to tell me what you want to read! I would be happy to write about it. But I basically only do stories about Eli and Clare, so... Anyway, Im sorry that this chapter is so incredibly long, and I hope that it doesnt bore you. I just kind of wanted to get the story done instead of keep dragging it on. I hope you like it! Please let me know! Thank you!**

Eli's POV

Today is the day that my fate will be decided. Will I spend the rest of my life happily with Clare? Or, will I stand back and watch her be happy with someone else, as I try to move on and live my life halfway normal? I decided I would walk to Clare's house to give her my letter, instead of taking Morty. It will give me some more time to think as I walk back home.

When I walked up the sidewalk leading to her house, I stopped for a moment in front of her front porch and looked up at the house before me. I took in a deep breath, and slowly exhaled. Keeping myself together seems to be coming a little more difficult these days. This may be the last time that I will ever have to come to Clare's house again. If she decides that she wants to move on, there would be no reason to step another foot inside of her home. I would never have to come on this end of town again ever actually, if I didn't want to. Trust me, I wouldn't want to. What's the point of driving by, and possibly seeing her with someone else, that isn't you, and watch her be happy, as your completely misserable, other than to torture yourself? Yeah, not really my style.

I looked up at Clare's bedroom window, and watched, as I saw the light green see through curtains, blow slightly from the wind coming through the screen of the open window. So many times I had been in that room, but none of the times I had been in there, had I imagined I would be seeing it for the last time, from the outside. I examined the flower pots on the porch, remembering the time I saw her mother planting them, when I came over to ask her for permission to take Clare out for the first time. I smiled slightly at the memory. Happier days were in my past, and now I'm not so sure whats to become of my future. Can I ever be happy if I'm not with Clare? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I walked up the front steps, and knocked on the door. I was surprised, and slightly taken aback, when Clare herself answered the door. She looked like she had been crying, and my heart ached for her. "Eli, what are doing here?" "I wrote you a letter" I said to her, after pulling the white envolope from my back pocket. "After all the ones you wrote me, letting me know how you feel, I thought I should do the same. It's only fair." "Eli, I don-" "I know your mad at me right now, and hurt" I said to her after cutting her off mid-sentence, "But please just read the letter Clare, please, I'm begging you. If you read it, and I never hear from you again, I would except your choice. I'll understand, but please, just read it." I studied her slightly confused face for a moment, before I quickly leaned in and kissed her cheek, and said; "Goodbye Clare" and walked off of her front steps, possibly for the last time.

Clare's POV

As I watched Eli leave, another tear rolled down my face, and I gently touched the place on my cheek, where the kiss he had just gave me, left a burning sensation on my skin. How I missed the feeling of his soft lips. I ached for them. I _needed_ them. I needed _him_. I quietly closed the door, and walked back upstairs to room. I sat down on my bed and opened the letter. I was greeted by familiar hand writing, and began to read.

By the time I was finished the letter, tears were pouring down my face, and my shirt was soaked. I couldn't control my sobs. So Eli does love me. How could he ever think that he wasn't good enough for me? If anything, Im not good enough for him. And I dont want to be with Derek. Derek and I are just friends. I love Eli. I want to be with him, forever.

I started to regain control of my sobs and frantically began to wipe away my tears, as I realized Eli had _walked_ over here, instead of driving Morty. His house is quite a ways away from mine, so maybe I can still catch up to him. I ran downstairs as fast as I could, slipped my shoes on, and bolted out the door. I ran down the street as fast as my legs would carry me.

Soon enough I spotted a dark figure, walking slowly, with his head down. "ELI!, ELI!" I screemed loudly and frantically. Eli turned around, and I finally caught up to him, trying to catch my breath. "Clare? Whats wrong? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly. "Have you been crying?" I asked him as I looked into his eyes. "N-no," he said, while wiping away a "phantom" tear. "Clare, why did you just chase me down all the way from your house?" "So I could do this" I said to him as I wrapped my arms around him, and held him in a tight embrace. He hesitated for a moment, then gently, but snuggly, wrapped his arms around my waist and locked his hands together behind my back, as he nestled his head into the crook of my neck. I could feel his warm breath, and it sent goosebumps down my spine.

After a moment, we both pulled away. "As much as I enjoyed that, what was it for?" Eli asked, a bit confused. "Eli, I just want to tell you that I love you, and thank you for writing me that letter. It meant the world to me. Thank you so much, for letting me know how you feel. It's good to know that you love me, as much as I love you. You were right, I really wish you would have talked to me about all of this, and how you were feeling, before you just hauled off and decided to break up with me with no warning. It would have made things alot easier." "Clare I-" "Nuh uh, please Eli, just let me finish" I said to him while removing my index finger from his now closed lips.

"First of all, I cant believe that you could ever think your not good enough for me. I love you more than any person I've ever known. If anything, I would think that Im not good enough for you. Second of all, that kiss with Derek, well the whole thing was my fault. He hadn't even been flirting with me or anything when I kissed him. Yes, I said _I_ kissed _him_. It was a huge mistake and never should have happened. We were actually just sitting up in his room working on our English assignment. He brought up Ted Hughes, and it reminded me of you. I was so upset about thinking about you again, I just wanted to stop. I thought with my broken heart, instead of my head. I kissed Derek so I could forget about everything just for a minute, and thats when you walked in. I dont like Derek that way, he's just a friend, and I shouldn't have used him to forget about you. Eli, I dont want to imagine my life without you either. I've gotten a glimpse of it, and it's hell. Im chosing you Eli, I want to be with you, If you will still have me. There was never another choice. You were always it. So yes, I want to stay with you, and have a happy life with you. I love you so much, words could not even describe what I feel when I am with you. Yeah, you hurt me, and you broke my heart, but I want to get passed it, and fix everything between us. Everything around me, is just falling apart and changing, but if I could have just one thing stay the same, it would be for you and me to stay together. So stay, please, just stay. I hate my life without you. I dont feel the same. Im not happy anymore. Im not happy unless I'm with you. I felt like a walking corpse, like my soul had been destroyed, and all that was left was this hollow body. I couldn't do anything anymore without thinking about you. I couldn't walk down this sidewalk, without thinking about the times we used to walk down it together, holding hands. I couldn't ride my bike by the bookstore, withought thinking about all the times we spent together in there, sitting on the floor, and critiquing every author, and then getting kicked out because we were laughing to loud. I couldn't ride with my mom passed the Dot anymore, without thinking about all the heart to heart talks we shared while drinking coffee. I would make her take a different way, for where ever it was we needed to go. It was hell Eli, I couldn't do anything any more without thinking of you. But I suppose it was worth it, because everytime I thought about those memories, for a quick second I could feel what it was like to be happy with you again, if only for a moment. I thought I was never going to be able to get that back. So, yes Eli, I want to be with you, and I love you, only you. I want to be able to feel that happiness with you everyday of my life, not just for a minute."

"Clare, I dont even know what to say, but I think I might be able to start with; I'm so happy I cant stand myself right now. I am so relieved that you want to be with me. I love you so much. Im sorry that I broke your heart, and ever made you feel the way you did, but just like in your letter, I want to be that last missing piece to your puzzle, Clare. I want to help you put it back together. Ecspecially when it was me who tore it apart to begin with. I'm so glad that your giving me another chance to fix things. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter what happens, I will find a way for us to always be together. I dont care if I have to move a billion miles away with you, once you get excepted to a top of the list college. Ill do it. I'll make any sacrifice I need for you. From now on I just want to make you happy, because you just made me the happiest person in the world, when you told me you wanted to still be with me. And yes, I know that sounds cheesy, but I really dont care, because I love you."

Our eyes were both slightly watery, and I looked into Eli's eyes, as he looked into mine. We moved closer together, and held on in a tight embrace. His hands wrapped around my waist, and mine around his neck. He slowly tilted his head, and then furiously crashed his lips to mine. The feeling was so unreal. It felt like centuries, since I had last been able to do this. I felt like I was never going to be able to do this again before today. I loved the way his warm, soft, lips felt on mine. Dominating, but only by pure love. I could feel how much Eli loved me through this kiss, and I kissed him back with the same fervor. Never wanting to stop. But eventually he pulled away, and we both regained our breathing. "I love you Clare" "I love you too, Eli, and you are the one for me, always."


End file.
